Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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