Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
