Betty ford says i'm here all night
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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