Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
