i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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