Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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