I will die if light touches me.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
