when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
