All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
