Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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