i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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