i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
