i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
