I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
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