First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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