My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
