I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
