I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
