We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
