Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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