May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
