how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
