ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
