bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
