I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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