I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
