life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
