just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
