Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
