Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
