You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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