I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I AM VODKA MAN
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
