I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
You're completely useless in the revolution.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
