Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
