i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
