just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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