Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
