who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize