The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
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