Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
