so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
