i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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