I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
