Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
