Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
