just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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