Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just gift wrapped bread.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
