Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
