So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
