Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize