my soul wont recognize me after tonight
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
