you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
