i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
