Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
