My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
