On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
