and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
