I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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