you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
