There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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