I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
