I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
