I think im going to throw up on grandma
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
