when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
