there's paper in my vomit.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I intend to get homeless drunk
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
