Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
