ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
