If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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