shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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